SF Pride

Pride.
Well that happened.
Click this thingy for a good time.

Alice @ 97.3 hate gays.

This weekend is going to be fairly epic.
My own personal Nebraskan is flying in for an appearance.
I'll be wearing hardly any clothing,
The entire city of San Francisco will liquored up...

IT'S PRIDE WEEKEND, BABY!

Y'all remember last year

Here's a shocker: I'm not 21 WHAT WHAT! Who knew? Yeah ok everyone knew.
Since I cannot attend all the official Pride festivities (aside from the main event) I will not tell you about them. What I will tell you is where my Nebraskan and I will be on Friday: The Mission; and where my Nebraskan, our Mama and I will be on Saturday night: The Mission & Castro; and where my Nebraskan, our Mama, and thousands of gays will be on Sunday: Civic Center.

Know where gays won't be on Saturday?
ALICE SUMMERTHING
Really though, does this not sound like an ounce of fun?
Matt Nathanson, OneRepublic, Michelle Branch, Parachute & Andrew Allen are going to be on stage for a free show this Sunday from noon-4 in Golden Gate Park.
Riddle me this, Sarah & Vinny, why is it that Alice @97.3 puts on a decent sounding show every year the same day as Pride? Are there not enough weekends in the summer for you to choose from that you have to exclude the out and proud? Something smells fishy, and it's not my pants.

UPDATE 10:22am 
Who the fuck is Sandra Bernhard and why is she headlining Pride this year?
What happened to the days of Gaga and Backstreet Boys?
Why aren't Matt Nathanson, OneRepublic, Michelle Branch, Parachute, and Andrew Allen playing at Pride? I mean, since they're already in SF and everything... Wouldn't that make more sense?

This whole situation is bugging me.

UPDATE 10:27am
Have you heard of anyone from the lineup at Pride? Cause I haven't.

11:00	BAAITS
11:05-11:50	DJ Paul Goodyear
11:50	MicahTron
12:05	Moonalice
12:20	Brenda Reed
12:30	Grand Marshals
12:50	Tales of the City
1:00	Mark Leno & Trevor Project
1:05	Bishop Flunder & the City of Refuge Choir
1:25	Butch County
1:40	Last Regiment of Syncopated Drummers
1:55	Foxee and Liam
2:00	Derrick Barry
2:15	Stiletto Ghetto
2:30	Kat Graham
2:45	Cheer SF
3:05	Lime
3:25	Linda Perry/Deep Dark Robot
3:50	Jessica 6
4:10	Big Freedia
4:25	Kerli
4:45	Wendy Ho
4:55	Sandra Bernhard
5:15	Luciana
5:30	Taxi Doll
5:45	RWCB
6:00	Sister Crayon

UPDATE 11:23am
Michelle Branch's new single kinda sucks.




UPDATE 11:43am
I stopped caring about anybody but OneRepublic. Thank goodness they're playing last (3:45ish). I think I can have it all: Pride Parade, Pride Festival, AND OneRepublic! Sweet.

Carnaval 2011: Beautiful Women & Bored Children

I was dazzled by this year's Carnaval parade. Last year was a'ight, but this year was spectacular: sparkly tits, jungle-themed floats, and dogs with broken tongues.

There was a noticeable change this year, though, in the children on the floats. Maybe I just didn't take notice last year, but they seemed to be super bored. Is desensitization to blame, or was I like this at that age? (click to enlarge)

Despite the young downers, I declare a Carnaval success.

at least there was 1 little girl getting her groove on.

Hunky Jesus Contest (Happy Easter)

Self proclaimed "The Hunky Jesus" (didn't actually win)

I've got a few things to go over with yall, kids. 1st being the real story behind Easter (wtf do bunnies and eggs have to do with Zombie Jesus?), and 2nd: The Hunky Jesus Contest at Dolores Park earlier today.

Each and every year I must remind my friends of the true spirit of Easter. My mother told me the story long ago: It was a well known fact, in the villiage, that  Jesus was going to come back and grace them with his presence. In preparation for His arrival a few things had to be done: any and all barbed wire had to be taken down, every house had to be repainted, and eggs were to be unseen. Why eggs, you ask? Jesus had a terrible problem with high cholesterol, and nobody forgot this! His favorite breakfast item, though, was indeed eggs benedict. He couldn't help himself! The village had to take it upon themselves to hide all the eggs so Jesus couldn't have even the option of indulging his unhealthy habits. When He arrived, the first thing he noticed, of course, was the lack of readily available eggs. When asked where all the eggs had gone, one towns-person replied, "Well... uhhhhhhh you see, Mr. Jesus, Sir.... We had a problem with the rabbits stealing them, and that's where all the eggs have gone. Sir." Jesus left in a fury. In order for the village to avoid reeking of rotten eggs over the next few days, the children were enlisted to search the fields and bring them all back home.

And that, my friends, is the true story of Easter.

On with the Hunky Jesus Contest!

Drunk Condom Nose Jesus

"Before and After" Jesus(es)

Grilled Cheesus (behind the sister)

Sacramental Jesus

Sumo Jesus

Nun Whipping Jesus

not impressed.

There you have it, children.
Videos will be added to my youtube shortly (I'll probably post them here or on my tumblr once they're done uploading), and more photos (with play-by-play!) are up on my brand spankin new flickr page.

Happy Zombie Jesus Day, err'body!

**UPDATE**
Here's the video containing footage of the winner: Jesus *Fucking* Christ

I crashed my sister's entire '80s wardrobe

Fashion. This is a word that to me means: stuff people hang upon their naked bodies to make them relatively less naked. Sure there’s “bad” fashion, Haute Couture, Target/JC Penny wear, etc. but I must highlight my favorite of all: Individualistic. Now this, to me, is a genre of fashion all on it’s own - it cannot be defined by one characteristic, or even many definitive characteristics, individualistic fashion is defined by it’s sheer lack of a characteristic definition. Case in point: a female in my geology class this semester (I say “female” because I feel uncomfortable calling her a Lady, Woman, or Girl because she is a] not classy enough for the “Lady” label, b] Not apparently old enough to be a Woman, c] Though she is not masculine, she is not feminine enough to be called a Girl).

**Clarification: I am in no way shape or form making fun of this poor gal. I do, in fact, admire her courage to stand out as much as she does.

This female (her name escapes me, though I’m sure I once knew) has her hair cut and died in the Skunk style that was popular with “Hipsters” and “Punks” for about a week last year, but it’s so damaged that she actually appears to have a multi-colored skunk atop her head. Her hair is died black (judging by the white-white-white paleness of her skin I must speculate her to be a natural blonde) with a darkish purple died in the mid section and blue adorned throughout. Did I mention this look is a mohawk? Yes, she does have the sides of her head shaved, but so shallow that it doesn’t feel right calling it a mohawk. Reverse mullet, maybe?

On one particular day I took a tally of her entire appearance from head to toe because it was just so phenomenally wacky that I had to remember every detail. In her left earlobe she wore a giant green rose earring reaching her shoulder, and in her right earlobe: a smaller red rose earring with purple ribbon adornment reaching her other shoulder. Upon her neck lay a thin black rope with a fairly large wooden cross pendant and several gold, black and silver chains tangled around the rope. On her wrists she had an assortment of small black bracelets amongst large black wristbands with white skulls. All these bracelets were semi-hidden by her black arm warmers.

She wore a black, velvet peacoat with marching-band-esque buttons and a bright blue fuzzy pen in the breast pocket. Hanging off her shoulders was a purple scarf with large pink polka-dots. Under the jacket she wore a white sweater with big black asymmetrical hearts sewn throughout, a blue-flower green-feathered shirt under the sweater, and a blue strappy tank-top under the shirt.

As if the chaos that was her torso wasn’t enough, Andy Warhol graced her with his presence in the form of multi-colored Marilyn Monroe patterned leggings and (I kid you not) soup can decorated ballet flats. Oh and I mean soup cans. Not pictorial, actual Campbell’s soup cans cut and pasted onto her shoes. On top of all that, she rocked some black, flowered ray-bans and a bright fire-engine-red purse.

I wish I could draw this out for you, but I honestly wouldn’t know where to start. If anybody out there wants to take a stab at it, I’ll let ya know if you got it right. It was a true sight to see.