Friday, August 5, 2011

Vote Roseanne Barr for President

Roseanne Barr announced on Jay Leno's Tonight Show that she will be (seriously) running for president in the 2012 election! This isn't actually new news, on Mother's Day last year, she decided to post up in front of the White House (standing on a soap box labeled "soap box") and ramble on to absolutely nobody about her reasoning behind running, and what she intends to do - and also announce her intention to run for Prime Minister of Isreal. At the time, I'm not sure she was completely serious about either intentions, so I count her "announcement" on Leno as a valid first announcement. However, I was unaware of her 2010 Mother's Day speech, so I shall dissect it and yall can deal with it. [watch the video]
I'm here today to announce that after a lifetime in TV and show business, and even tougher, raising five children and five grandsons, I have, thanks to much prayer and meditation decided to pursue a less stressful future. I, Roseanne Barr, am simply going to fix everything.
Hell yes. She's been in and out of the public eye, raised 5 children, produced an intoxicatingly hilarious TV show, and managed to remain (relatively) sane through all of it. Is she qualified? Fuck you, of course she is. She could even make up her own random political party and I'd still vote for her...
To begin curing this world, I am officially running for President of these United States of America, as well as Prime Minister of Israel (a two-fer) on the brand new "Green Tea Party" ticket.
As all political candidates in America must do, I will refer constantly to my particular religion, which happens to be The Church of Common Sense. Its laws and gospels are nothing more than practical, simple solutions to the problems that currently plague humanity, and i will incorporate all these religious values into my campaign platform.
She goes on to claim she can obtain world peace within one year using a 3 step program:

  1. Make war illegal and legalize Hemp - Technically these have nothing to do with one another and should be considered 2 steps. Within this step she only talks about the war on drugs, which is a dynamic subject considering the legalities of individual countries. She really only refers to the US here, rather than world peace.
  2. Change the Demographics of Government - Population statistics (% of women, % living in poverty, etc.) will determine representation from each respective group. "1/6 [of the Green Tea Party] will be officially poor." I love this idea. The public should have control of public funds, and the rich do not make up a majority of the public, therefore should not be handing public need. She makes a side note calling 1 million American "Bitches" to march next Mothers Day, which was actually this mother's day, so dang. I heard nothing about this march actually occurring.
  3. Outlaw Bullshit - The concept of War itself will crumble.
Her platforms:

World politics
-Remain the world's police force, but arrest the guilty - and by guilty she means the corporate villains.
-All empty political seats (made empty after arresting and beheading corrupt assholes) will be filled with grandmothers who have "pledged to create heaven on earth for all children and animals and all humans."
-"War profiteering is punishable by the Guillotine."
-"Presidents, Prime Ministers and Queens... will be required to fight in the very first infantry wave of any war they authorize."

-Combine Capitalism and Socialism until someone comes up with a better idea, but allow the elderly to receive their retirement. "A system that rewards hard work and ambition but cares for its weakest child." Social welfare, public education, and public healthcare will be honored.

Mid-East Crisis
-Issue will be regarded as a Labor issue rather than a religious issue.
-Consequently, all religious books that speak toward burning witches and executing homosexuals will be considered irrelevant. 
-Pay the Palestinian people not to shoot at Israelis"We can put the Pal back into Palestinian!"

Pirates, capitalism, Fem-Nazis, common sense, and much more are discussed, and yall should go read it, ya lazy scum!

Seriously. I love this woman.

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