Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Va' se foder

“What have you been up to, Jimmy?”

“Well, Melinda, I have actually been enjoying a nice constant tour of the city.”

“A tour, eh? You’ve lived here all your life! Please, do tell..”

“It’s rather simple, actually. I’ve been constantly on one bus or another for the past 4 days. The idea came to me whilst I was drunkenly walking around Potrero at 7am, when I suddenly got the urge to see the ocean. Granted, it was a miserable day and about to rain, but hey... I was still drunk from the New Years Eve festivities. Upon arriving at Ocean Beach, I saw it was raining and quickly changed my mind. I’ve been riding the bus ever since, just going to one destination and then immediately another.”

“You’re crazy, Jimmy!”

“You know what is crazy? The people I meet on these busses! Every type of person I could stereotypically conceive in my mind, and then some. I’ve been told stories about taxidermy, watched a man whip out his manhood and take a piss right there on the bus, got in a fist fight with a fancy business man, started a 40oz party in the back with a bunch of teenagers... I’ve been having the time of my life in these past 4 days!”

“But Jimmy, this must be an expensive lifestyle. Muni’s favorite color is green; favorite food is paper and silver; favorite day is pay day...”

“Good question, Melinda. I actually found a Clipper card on the sidewalk next to a small smudge of blood. It’s sad, really, how drunk some people get on holidays. I figured they deserved to pay for my joy ride through the city.”

New Years Eve: upon finishing my jubilant time at the playground around 4am, I managed to trip on the sidewalk, and take my walking partner down with me. Though I hadn’t realized it at the time, my clipper card had fallen out of my back pocket. I was occupied with the immense pain coming from the scrape on my knee and bruise on my hip. Somebody found this clipper card and managed to spend $35 in a little less than 4 days. I applaud your accomplishment, for I can only speculate how on earth you did so, but request the prompt repayment in full. I do not expect to receive my money back, so I also curse you with the wrath of a dozen colonies of fire ants invading your pubic hair.


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