Saturday, February 12, 2011

I talk about Music because I'm unoriginal

Valentines Day

In honor of Valentines day (and the newest episode of Glee) I’d like to present a few subjects: love, bitter single-hood, and raging sexual hormones. Being that I am a woman, I believe this will mostly relate to the alike sex, though I will try to be universal. I shall explore - and provide playlists for - these 3 subjects in this order: Melancholically Isolated (kill me), Love (Cooties!), and (as Vanessa Williams says, “Save the Best For Last”) Orgasmic Adventures. The titles will be bolded so you may skip what you don’t give a shit about. I’m not going to meticulously analyze each song in the playlists because, frankly, I do have the time but don’t feel like spending it being a snob!

Melancholically Isolated

I am currently single and happy to be, though I - like everyone else, I’d imagine - do get melancholy about the subject from time to time. I have come to find that I enjoy this feeling quite a bit, and thereby feed the emotion to wallow in my own filthy angst until I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and move on with my week. In this state of blissful self-pity and envy toward my sister and her fiance, I have concocted many playlists to further my mood into a vortex of darkness. They usually include harsh baselines, simple melodies, and lower octaves sung by the likes of Mudvayne, Team Sleep, and Goo Goo Dolls. For this 8-track playlist (which is actually 16 songs because I can’t make decisions) contains the above as well as some additions that don’t conform to my normal routine.
  1. "Goodbye" Mudvayne
  2. "Are You Happy Now" Michelle Branch
  3. "The Con" Tegan & Sara
  4. "When it Hurts So Bad" Lauryn Hill
  5. "You Oughta Know" Alanis Morrisette
  6. "This Lullaby" Queens of the Stone Age
  7. "Bastards on Parade" Dropkick Murphies
  8. "World Spins Madly On" The Weepies
  9. "The Scientist" Coldplay
  10. "Maybe Tomorrow" Stereophonics
  11. "I Miss You" Blink 182
  12. "Iris" Goo Goo Dolls
  13. "Smile" Lily Allen
  14. "My Immortal" Evanescence
  15. "My Sweet Song" Toby Lightman
  16. "Breathe" Anna Nalick


Alanis Morrisette “You Oughta Know”
Yeah, cliche, I know. In case you’re unaware of the speculated story behind the lyrics, I shall summarize. Alanis (age 16) was dating Dave Coulier (age 30) and Dave wanted a to start a family while Alanis didn’t, so he dumped her. Alanis has been reported stating that she will never reveal who it’s really about, but fans have concluded: Dave Coulier. That’s Uncle Joey from Full House. Yeah. That guy.

Dropkick Murphies “Bastards on Parade”
“If you can look into this old face and try to see the young man
I swear I once was pretty, not the monster you now see
But I squandered all my chances, lost my faith and took for granted, this life and precious one chance the whirlwind I’ll reep.”

Mudvayne “Goodbye”
This song was once the theme song for my best friend and I when I moved 3 hours away for high school. We basically thought it was the end of the world and cried our eyes out each night for a few weeks before and after I left. It still holds so much energy for me that I cry almost every time I hear it.


I am not a big believer in Valentines day, but this is mostly because I haven’t had a romantic valentine in a very long time. I’m sure if I knew romance, I’d enjoy it more. If it weren’t for the Pillow Fight (which I will mention again at the end), this holiday would be the worst. Alas, I am a romantic, though you will not catch me admitting this on a daily basis. This means I will indulge in the tradition and provide you monsters with some fluttery heart type tunes:
  1. "All For You" Sister Hazel
  2. "The Girl" City & Colour
  3. "Beyond the Sea" Frank Sinatra
  4. "Thank You" Dido
  5. "Wonderwall" Oasis
  6. "Change the World" Eric Clapton
  7. "I'll Follow You Into The Dark" Death Cab for Cutie
  8. "If I Ain't Got You" Alicia Keys
  9. "Lucky" Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat
  10. "Sweet Pea" Amos Lee
  11. "All I Want is You" Barry Louis Polisar
  12. "Diamond in the Rough" Shawn Colvin
  13. "Somebody Loved" The Weepies
  14. "Angel of Mine" Monica
  15. "Let Me Serenade You" Three Dog Night
  16. "Jackie Wilson Said (I'm in Heaven When You Smile)" Van Morrison
  17. "Lazy Afternoon" Rebelution
  18. "That's How Strong My Love Is" Otis Redding
  19. "This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)" Natalie Cole


City and Colour “The Girl”
This might be my 2nd favorite song. (Nobody will top Moondance for me). If you’ve never heard City and Colour, get the album Bring Me Your Love. It’s divine.

Orgasmic Adventures

Ok so here’s the fun part. If I were to celebrate Valentines Day, what better way than getting laid? AmIright? Ok, so if you’re so fortunate to hook a stud and bring ‘em back to your place (or give into their seduction, you slut), you’re not gonna want to leave your entire iTunes library on shuffle while doing the nasty. Bitch, that’s a mistake. What if your guilty (secret) pleasure comes on and your mate instantly goes dry? The Used “I’m a Fake”, “Poor Unfortunate Souls” from The Little Mermaid, “Free Bird”? No, not gonna fly, suga pie. You’re going to want to be prepared with hot & steamy baselines, sultry vocals (or none), and that IT factor that just says “slap me, I’m naughty.”
  1. "Howlin For You" The Black Keys
  2. "I Love to Move in Here" Moby
  3. "Spitfire" Prodigy
  4. "Lick" Joi
  5. "Hysteria" Muse
  6. "Chocolate" Kyle Minogue
  7. "Wildcat" Ratatat
  8. "Falling in Love Again" Christina Aguilera
  9. "Push it" Garbage
  10. "Glory Box" Portishead
  11. "Bloodsport" Sneaker Pimps
  12. "Down By the Water" PJ Harvey
  13. "Strict Machine" Goldfrap
  14. "Atarxia" Team Sleep
  15. "Criminal" Fiona Apple
  16. "Bangers & Mash" Radiohead
  17. "Closer" Nine Inch Nails


I put them in order for an ideal night: start with a little foreplay, you both know what is going to happen tonight, but neither want to lead on too eager. Take it a little slow. Play around a bit first. Hopefully by the 4th song, you'll both be naked getting down to business. The rest, you won't really care about the order of songs because (ideally) you'll be too concentrated (or even mindless) to care about such things. Enjoy, my loves.


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