Yesterday we did it!
We set upon our route and found our pot(s) of gold!
Our journey began just paces from my Auburn abode, near a train track. Our excitement level was higher than ever as we searched the grounds and trees for our treasure. Ian searched, Kaelin searched, I searched - and I found the first cache. Inside was a car wash coin, bracelet, a butterfly eraser, and a purple pen snuggie. We took the coin, replaced it with a treasure of our own, and signed the log book.
Our journey continued for 5 straight hours of searching and finding or not finding. Out of 13 caches, we found 5. It was quite possibly the best sober night of my life! We were on a real treasure hunt! It was great seeing how recent some of the logs were in the log books. Some found the cache a day before us. We took some things, left some things, and signed "Tres Scumbrerros" on each (Cuatro Scumbrerros when we were joined by Cole for our second to last cache). The first two were found before dusk, though the rest were searched out in the darkness of a foggy night. This is absolutely an activity best done with natural light.
This activity is now my hobby. I, Andrea, have a hobby! Do I collect stamps? NO! Do I build model air planes? NO! Do I go on treasure hunts wherever I go? YES! Thank you Uncle Kevin for my flash light!
Love, Drea
Update: Today we found 7/9 caches in Auburn. We have so much more to explore! I ended up buying myself a GPS specifically made for Geocaching from Target for 69.99 afterward. Apparently the closest cache to my house in SF is 2100'.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Geocaching
So last night I watched a movie that had been sitting in my Netflix queue for quite some time: Splinterheads. Basic synopsis: the carnival comes to town and a lady splinterhead (not a carnie, because there is a difference between the two) cons a male townie at a gas station. He then goes to the carnival and runs into this splinterhead, and a friendship develops through their unconventional quirks. The splinterhead, whose name is Galaxy, finds solace in living on the road, for it supports her hobby: geocaching. Now while watching this movie, I thought this term was made up for sake of plot, but I had to pause it and investigate. It’s a real thing.
Geocaching is explained on this website where you download longitude/latitude coordinates for a treasure, and then proceed to find said treasure. When I say treasure, I mean what some may see as junk, but it’s actually a beautiful concept.
You download the coordinates, find the general area in which the coordinates lead you, and then search that area on your own to find the vessel in which the bounty would be found. It could be cleverly difficult to find, or blatantly obvious. The treasure inside is not for you to keep. Sure you can take something out of the box, so long as you put something of equal or greater value in it’s place, but you cannot take the whole box. After finding the bounty, you can log onto the website and log your experience. Some of the items in these boxes are trackable, which means you can take it out, replace it with something of yours, and then find another cache to put that item in, and then document the switch on the site. Each box also has a log book that is to stay with the cache.
I have not tried geocaching yet, mostly because I don’t have a GPS, but I am so very eager to try it. I could see this changing my life. On road trips, I could see myself making a small detour to find a rurally hidden cache, or maybe even a few caches. Probably a few. I could see myself going on road trips for the sole purpose of geocaching.
Who wants to supply me with a GPS? Who wants to go on a treasure hunt with me? I now know what to do with my free time. I even found about 35 geocaches less than 3 miles from my own house on the website! Lets find them all!
Oh yeah, and the movie Splinterheads is actually pretty good. I mean like 3.4/5 stars, I’d say. In my opinion, of course. But then again, I loved The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, as well as Mystery Men, so wtf do I know, right?
Love, Drea.
Geocaching is explained on this website where you download longitude/latitude coordinates for a treasure, and then proceed to find said treasure. When I say treasure, I mean what some may see as junk, but it’s actually a beautiful concept.
 |
| Bounty |
You download the coordinates, find the general area in which the coordinates lead you, and then search that area on your own to find the vessel in which the bounty would be found. It could be cleverly difficult to find, or blatantly obvious. The treasure inside is not for you to keep. Sure you can take something out of the box, so long as you put something of equal or greater value in it’s place, but you cannot take the whole box. After finding the bounty, you can log onto the website and log your experience. Some of the items in these boxes are trackable, which means you can take it out, replace it with something of yours, and then find another cache to put that item in, and then document the switch on the site. Each box also has a log book that is to stay with the cache.
I have not tried geocaching yet, mostly because I don’t have a GPS, but I am so very eager to try it. I could see this changing my life. On road trips, I could see myself making a small detour to find a rurally hidden cache, or maybe even a few caches. Probably a few. I could see myself going on road trips for the sole purpose of geocaching.
Who wants to supply me with a GPS? Who wants to go on a treasure hunt with me? I now know what to do with my free time. I even found about 35 geocaches less than 3 miles from my own house on the website! Lets find them all!
They say there's one in one of the pyramids! I'm going to find it.
Oh yeah, and the movie Splinterheads is actually pretty good. I mean like 3.4/5 stars, I’d say. In my opinion, of course. But then again, I loved The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, as well as Mystery Men, so wtf do I know, right?
Love, Drea.
The Dark Knight Rises
I am a huge Batman fan.
A rich dude in a bat suit doing superhuman things without super powers?
Ef yes!
Well the movie is starting to take shape, through much controversy within and outside of the production crew. First there was the rumor that the young guy from 3rd Rock From the Sun was going to play the Riddler... I was not fond of this idea because the Riddler is far too similar to the Joker. Sure both characters have immense differences, but you can't follow a joke with a riddle. I thought it was interesting to cast Joseph Gordon-Levitt in this role because I've never imagined him as a villain; it'd be interesting to see. Another grevience I'd have against the casting of Levitt as Riddler is that he looks just like Heath Ledger these days! Christopher Nolan must have noticed this... how could you not? I think it would be an insult to Ledger's inspiring performance in the Dark Knight to cast someone that looks just like him, to play the one roll most similar to his own. Not to mention the fact that they've been in a movie together: 10 Things I Hate About You. Let's not try to replace my modern age James Dean, kthanksbi. But this is neither here nor there, for thank goodness this will not happen.
So who will the next villain be? Bane, that's who! Now, I must admit that I have not yet read the comics. I know, "How can you be a true Batman Fan then??" right? Well I am ashamed of myself. But I turned to my (relatively) trusty friend IMDB for a character synopsis on this guy I've never heard of. The short story: dude's a super genius that speaks 6 languages and spent his early life in prison in place of his missing revolutionary father. He started taking a drug called Venom that gives him super-strength, and can't stop taking it or he'll suffer side-effects. Since his childhood, he'd been haunted by a demonic bat figure, and so developed a grudge against Batman and went to seek him out upon his escape from prison. Apparently this character was the dumb henchmen to Poison Ivy in the '97 Batman. Why don't I remember this? I'll have to watch it again. Anyhoo, this Bane guy is going to be played by Tom Hardy.
Hold on.. how on earth did you come up with that bit of casting, Nolan? Oh that's right, he was also in Inception. I am really disappointed in the creativity in casting these days. Just because you are already comfortable with a guy from doing a past big-budget movie, doesn't mean he'll be right for a roll in your next project. I haven't seen Hardy enough to really have an opinion on his acting skills, though, so maybe I shouldn't judge. The character could be entertaining, interesting, captivating, stinky, or just stupid. We'll see. I put my trust in you, Nolan.
Speaking of casting trends, remember the Scarecrow in Batman Begins? Rich dude in Inception. Michael Cane Inception: Father; Michael Cane Batman: Father Figure. Hmm.
This Just In: A new rumor (which seems to be more than a rumor, but you never know these days in Hollywood) has taken form of another villain. Why is it that each Batman film needs 2 or more villains at the same time? Whatever happened to character development? Are we that ADD to where we can't pay attention to one malicious character at a time? Anne Hathaway has been cast to play Catwoman. No thanks! I love the gal, but as Catwoman? Sure she had some sensuality in Havoc, but am I the only one that wasn't fooled by that role? She's too Girl-Next-Door for me. I think she needs to stick with the squishy, girly roles, though I'm sure she'd slap me for saying it. And Rachel Getting Married? No. She doesn't captivate me like I'd want my Catwoman to.
Well that's all for now, I'm off to my Geology class. I may write more later. We'll see.
A rich dude in a bat suit doing superhuman things without super powers?
Ef yes!
 |
| Back in the day |
 |
| Doppelganger? |
 |
| Tom Hardy: Inception |
Speaking of casting trends, remember the Scarecrow in Batman Begins? Rich dude in Inception. Michael Cane Inception: Father; Michael Cane Batman: Father Figure. Hmm.
This Just In: A new rumor (which seems to be more than a rumor, but you never know these days in Hollywood) has taken form of another villain. Why is it that each Batman film needs 2 or more villains at the same time? Whatever happened to character development? Are we that ADD to where we can't pay attention to one malicious character at a time? Anne Hathaway has been cast to play Catwoman. No thanks! I love the gal, but as Catwoman? Sure she had some sensuality in Havoc, but am I the only one that wasn't fooled by that role? She's too Girl-Next-Door for me. I think she needs to stick with the squishy, girly roles, though I'm sure she'd slap me for saying it. And Rachel Getting Married? No. She doesn't captivate me like I'd want my Catwoman to.
Well that's all for now, I'm off to my Geology class. I may write more later. We'll see.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Pop goes the trigger
Text from: Amanda
I’ll be there at 10
Class ended early. I arose from my sad chair along the side of the classroom. I was stuck among the rejects, the defectives that our fair school that has deemed unworthy of early registration; not until we establish and prove ourselves. I dropped my pen. 3rd fucking time I’ve dropped my pen in the past hour. How embarrassing for me. I grabbed it from under my chair along with my fedora. Someone complimented me on my hat; +5 self confidence. Too bad I won’t be able to add this class. Are this many people really interested in Geography? Let’s move on to Graphic Design.
“This class is not a computer oriented class.” Downer. Now I’m in the mission, alone, with nothing to do for the next two and a half hours. Cancun + beer. Time killer. Problem solved.
Trigger: A vein of Castro among the out and proud crowd. Surrounded by scandalous tattooed mongrels with permanent smiles - mostly. I feel like that chair: not yet worthy but trying so hard to be accepted. I m a virgin. That’s right Bailey & Hana, I said it, a virgin. I am in fact a virgin lesbian. Sure I’m a promiscuous hereto, but that’s beside the point: virgin homo.
10:15 - ID accepted. +2 cleverness. But woe is me, Amanda is not here yet. Time to hang out in the smoke room. Why is it that smokers are so much easier to talk to than other people? The fact that something like that can be so social boggles my mind. Nobody believes the “you’re cool if you smoke” persona. Quite the opposite, rather.
“Hey, some day I’m likely to have a hole in my neck and cost my family a ton of money in medical bills and funeral costs! Nice to meet you!”
“Got a cig I can buy off you?” I nod and begin the epic journey that is me searching my purse. While he waited for me to return from the depths of my purple Coach cave, I was informed of his lack of $1 bills or any sort of change and he asked if a magic trick would suffice. +8 awesomeness for this guy! He asked me to pick a card - I chose the 2 of spades - and put it back in the pile without showing him. He shuffled around while trying to make quick conversation, handed me a 5 of hearts and told me to look at it and then hold it face down in my hand. Then without touching my card, he told me to flip it over again and it was a damn 2 of spades. OMS (Oh My Science) this dude is wondrous. After he invited me on a 4 day trip to Vegas with him (which I declined) a woman in a white coat got my attention. Her name is Tammy. I was infatuated. She’s a fox and a conversationalist. Her smooth brown hair was tied in a bun and I appreciated how this accentuated her gorgeous cheek bones. And her neck! Is it wrong to be attracted to somebody’s neck? The correct answer is no. Hers is fabulous. She talked about living in Japan while in the Marines and how she’s shy and finds it difficult to approach people without the social comfort of smoking or asking for a cigarette (I’m melting). We talked and talked as more people packed into the bar area and the smoke room filled with that glorious film of amber colored atmospheric cancer. It was time to find Amanda.
Tammy came in with me and we ordered our drinks. $4 Corona or $4 Jameson & Coke? Obvious choice. Lets get sloppy! We parted ways as soon as I found Amanda. She was rather quiet, so I found myself peeking around the room for Tammy. Don’t get me wrong, Amanda’s a great girl. I’ve had a crush on her for some time now.
We infiltrated the VIP corner! A girl named Jessica was turning 27? Who cares. Jessica noticed me and her sister poured us shots. She’s cute. Jessica, not the sister. Well both. But yeah, Jessica. Birthday girl. We got to talking, but it was so loud and I was preoccupied with keeping track of Amanda and Tammy that I have no idea what we talked about, or when we started making out. I don’t like that term, making out. Let’s go british. Whilst in the midst of our snogging, Jessica some how convinced me to go with her in her limo.
“Where are we going?” I didn’t really care, I was already in the limo. No turning back.
“Fremont!” FML. Ok, don’t panic, I don’t have class tomorrow until 2. Plenty of time to escape in the... my my, Jessica is pretty. And a great kisser to boot! Her breasts are gloriously large. I got a little carried away and forgot there were other people in the limo with us. My bad. Upon arriving at Jessica’s house, we ravished each other. It was glorious.
I’ve been christened.
Happy Birthday, Jessica.
Side Note: Tammy, if you’re reading this - though I have not presented the greatest image of myself in this account - contact me!
I’ll be there at 10
Class ended early. I arose from my sad chair along the side of the classroom. I was stuck among the rejects, the defectives that our fair school that has deemed unworthy of early registration; not until we establish and prove ourselves. I dropped my pen. 3rd fucking time I’ve dropped my pen in the past hour. How embarrassing for me. I grabbed it from under my chair along with my fedora. Someone complimented me on my hat; +5 self confidence. Too bad I won’t be able to add this class. Are this many people really interested in Geography? Let’s move on to Graphic Design.
“This class is not a computer oriented class.” Downer. Now I’m in the mission, alone, with nothing to do for the next two and a half hours. Cancun + beer. Time killer. Problem solved.
Trigger: A vein of Castro among the out and proud crowd. Surrounded by scandalous tattooed mongrels with permanent smiles - mostly. I feel like that chair: not yet worthy but trying so hard to be accepted. I m a virgin. That’s right Bailey & Hana, I said it, a virgin. I am in fact a virgin lesbian. Sure I’m a promiscuous hereto, but that’s beside the point: virgin homo.
10:15 - ID accepted. +2 cleverness. But woe is me, Amanda is not here yet. Time to hang out in the smoke room. Why is it that smokers are so much easier to talk to than other people? The fact that something like that can be so social boggles my mind. Nobody believes the “you’re cool if you smoke” persona. Quite the opposite, rather.
“Hey, some day I’m likely to have a hole in my neck and cost my family a ton of money in medical bills and funeral costs! Nice to meet you!”
“Got a cig I can buy off you?” I nod and begin the epic journey that is me searching my purse. While he waited for me to return from the depths of my purple Coach cave, I was informed of his lack of $1 bills or any sort of change and he asked if a magic trick would suffice. +8 awesomeness for this guy! He asked me to pick a card - I chose the 2 of spades - and put it back in the pile without showing him. He shuffled around while trying to make quick conversation, handed me a 5 of hearts and told me to look at it and then hold it face down in my hand. Then without touching my card, he told me to flip it over again and it was a damn 2 of spades. OMS (Oh My Science) this dude is wondrous. After he invited me on a 4 day trip to Vegas with him (which I declined) a woman in a white coat got my attention. Her name is Tammy. I was infatuated. She’s a fox and a conversationalist. Her smooth brown hair was tied in a bun and I appreciated how this accentuated her gorgeous cheek bones. And her neck! Is it wrong to be attracted to somebody’s neck? The correct answer is no. Hers is fabulous. She talked about living in Japan while in the Marines and how she’s shy and finds it difficult to approach people without the social comfort of smoking or asking for a cigarette (I’m melting). We talked and talked as more people packed into the bar area and the smoke room filled with that glorious film of amber colored atmospheric cancer. It was time to find Amanda.
Tammy came in with me and we ordered our drinks. $4 Corona or $4 Jameson & Coke? Obvious choice. Lets get sloppy! We parted ways as soon as I found Amanda. She was rather quiet, so I found myself peeking around the room for Tammy. Don’t get me wrong, Amanda’s a great girl. I’ve had a crush on her for some time now.
We infiltrated the VIP corner! A girl named Jessica was turning 27? Who cares. Jessica noticed me and her sister poured us shots. She’s cute. Jessica, not the sister. Well both. But yeah, Jessica. Birthday girl. We got to talking, but it was so loud and I was preoccupied with keeping track of Amanda and Tammy that I have no idea what we talked about, or when we started making out. I don’t like that term, making out. Let’s go british. Whilst in the midst of our snogging, Jessica some how convinced me to go with her in her limo.
“Where are we going?” I didn’t really care, I was already in the limo. No turning back.
“Fremont!” FML. Ok, don’t panic, I don’t have class tomorrow until 2. Plenty of time to escape in the... my my, Jessica is pretty. And a great kisser to boot! Her breasts are gloriously large. I got a little carried away and forgot there were other people in the limo with us. My bad. Upon arriving at Jessica’s house, we ravished each other. It was glorious.
I’ve been christened.
Happy Birthday, Jessica.
Side Note: Tammy, if you’re reading this - though I have not presented the greatest image of myself in this account - contact me!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Oh My Science
Who the fuck reads the Miami Herald? I get my news from Facebook! Just about.. oh.. 2 minutes ago I found this gem posted by a friend:
I was like whaaaaaaaatchu talkin' 'bout Lisha? And so I googled the term "Astrology" and the Miami Herald informed me that *scientists* had it wrong; there's an extra astrological sign to add to the mix: Ofichoos... Opixtus... Ophiuchus. (It's greek for serpent-bearer)... ahem. What. The. Fuck?
Yeah, ok. I'll accept it. I'll also accept that I am no longer a pisces. Aquarius? What? So when I sing "Age of Aquarius" in the shower it'll be appropriate almost? Ef yeah! Sure, why not! I don't believe in this bullshit, anyway. This is just proof that it's always been bullshit. So stop?
I am a bit bummed that my mom is now Cancer. Cancer? Offended! My mother is no Cancer! I mean, really... does she not look like a lion???
Moral of the story:
I really don't give a shit.
Update: LOOK at this guy! Are you born between Nov 29 and Nov 17? Haha
Forget this whole changing of the alignment of the stars. I am such a Sagittarius, in no wayyyyy am I trying to be this new Ophiuchus sign. Just because the planets have changed doesn't mean i'm a whateverthefuck this new sign is, BOO! My birthday is the exact day in the middle of the sign too. Dammit astrology, you craaaazy.
I was like whaaaaaaaatchu talkin' 'bout Lisha? And so I googled the term "Astrology" and the Miami Herald informed me that *scientists* had it wrong; there's an extra astrological sign to add to the mix: Ofichoos... Opixtus... Ophiuchus. (It's greek for serpent-bearer)... ahem. What. The. Fuck?
Leading astrologers, after getting their collective bearings, were unified and defiant in their response: Not this time, Science.
http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/01/13/2015248/whats-your-sign-baby-astronomer.html
Yeah, ok. I'll accept it. I'll also accept that I am no longer a pisces. Aquarius? What? So when I sing "Age of Aquarius" in the shower it'll be appropriate almost? Ef yeah! Sure, why not! I don't believe in this bullshit, anyway. This is just proof that it's always been bullshit. So stop?
I am a bit bummed that my mom is now Cancer. Cancer? Offended! My mother is no Cancer! I mean, really... does she not look like a lion???
Moral of the story:
I really don't give a shit.
Update: LOOK at this guy! Are you born between Nov 29 and Nov 17? Haha
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Va' se foder
“What have you been up to, Jimmy?”
“Well, Melinda, I have actually been enjoying a nice constant tour of the city.”
“A tour, eh? You’ve lived here all your life! Please, do tell..”
“It’s rather simple, actually. I’ve been constantly on one bus or another for the past 4 days. The idea came to me whilst I was drunkenly walking around Potrero at 7am, when I suddenly got the urge to see the ocean. Granted, it was a miserable day and about to rain, but hey... I was still drunk from the New Years Eve festivities. Upon arriving at Ocean Beach, I saw it was raining and quickly changed my mind. I’ve been riding the bus ever since, just going to one destination and then immediately another.”
“You’re crazy, Jimmy!”
“You know what is crazy? The people I meet on these busses! Every type of person I could stereotypically conceive in my mind, and then some. I’ve been told stories about taxidermy, watched a man whip out his manhood and take a piss right there on the bus, got in a fist fight with a fancy business man, started a 40oz party in the back with a bunch of teenagers... I’ve been having the time of my life in these past 4 days!”
“But Jimmy, this must be an expensive lifestyle. Muni’s favorite color is green; favorite food is paper and silver; favorite day is pay day...”
“Good question, Melinda. I actually found a Clipper card on the sidewalk next to a small smudge of blood. It’s sad, really, how drunk some people get on holidays. I figured they deserved to pay for my joy ride through the city.”
New Years Eve: upon finishing my jubilant time at the playground around 4am, I managed to trip on the sidewalk, and take my walking partner down with me. Though I hadn’t realized it at the time, my clipper card had fallen out of my back pocket. I was occupied with the immense pain coming from the scrape on my knee and bruise on my hip. Somebody found this clipper card and managed to spend $35 in a little less than 4 days. I applaud your accomplishment, for I can only speculate how on earth you did so, but request the prompt repayment in full. I do not expect to receive my money back, so I also curse you with the wrath of a dozen colonies of fire ants invading your pubic hair.
Enjoy.
“Well, Melinda, I have actually been enjoying a nice constant tour of the city.”
“A tour, eh? You’ve lived here all your life! Please, do tell..”
“It’s rather simple, actually. I’ve been constantly on one bus or another for the past 4 days. The idea came to me whilst I was drunkenly walking around Potrero at 7am, when I suddenly got the urge to see the ocean. Granted, it was a miserable day and about to rain, but hey... I was still drunk from the New Years Eve festivities. Upon arriving at Ocean Beach, I saw it was raining and quickly changed my mind. I’ve been riding the bus ever since, just going to one destination and then immediately another.”
“You’re crazy, Jimmy!”
“You know what is crazy? The people I meet on these busses! Every type of person I could stereotypically conceive in my mind, and then some. I’ve been told stories about taxidermy, watched a man whip out his manhood and take a piss right there on the bus, got in a fist fight with a fancy business man, started a 40oz party in the back with a bunch of teenagers... I’ve been having the time of my life in these past 4 days!”
“But Jimmy, this must be an expensive lifestyle. Muni’s favorite color is green; favorite food is paper and silver; favorite day is pay day...”
“Good question, Melinda. I actually found a Clipper card on the sidewalk next to a small smudge of blood. It’s sad, really, how drunk some people get on holidays. I figured they deserved to pay for my joy ride through the city.”
New Years Eve: upon finishing my jubilant time at the playground around 4am, I managed to trip on the sidewalk, and take my walking partner down with me. Though I hadn’t realized it at the time, my clipper card had fallen out of my back pocket. I was occupied with the immense pain coming from the scrape on my knee and bruise on my hip. Somebody found this clipper card and managed to spend $35 in a little less than 4 days. I applaud your accomplishment, for I can only speculate how on earth you did so, but request the prompt repayment in full. I do not expect to receive my money back, so I also curse you with the wrath of a dozen colonies of fire ants invading your pubic hair.
Enjoy.
Wanna play with it?
So I could comment on the fact that I haven't posted in a long while, but I am 90% sure nobody noticed.
I could also comment on the fact that it's a new year, but guess what! Just because you're writing a /11 on your checks in stead of /10 doesn't mean that latina stripper you banged last weekend won't end up pregnant and knocking on your door next month. Speaking of which, Pablo, you're late on your child support and Katarina needs her cavities filled.
Anyway, in stead I choose to introduce the internets to my defining experience of 2010:
A warm winter night is not entirely rare in this bi-polar city of ours, and I begin my journey on one of these wonderous evenings. When I think of Broadway St. I picture strippers, dirty homeless men, dirty rich men, and basic shady 1970s pornography type environments; so when a friend asks me if I'd like to attend a soiree amongst this havoc of course I'd enthusiastically shake my head yes until I feel dizzy. Turns out he meant the other side of Broadway, so my bright yellow hot pants with pink sequins on the butt pockets, sparkley blue bra and see-through white top were just a little inappropriate for the high society birthday dinner at an $80,000,000 mansion. ($80,000,000!) Thankfully I had my Marry Poppins purse handy and pulled out just the right outfit for the occasion.
The house was monstrously gorgeous, so my boredom with the general attendees was satiated with tall ceilings, large garden, and a breathtaking view of the bay (thankfully it was a clear night). I had never had a martini before. Living in The Mission usually provides for some great beer bellies. After about 3 martinis I was finally ready to take my eyes off the inanimate objects around me and have myself a pointless conversation. My victim was a tall man with an epic mustache and soul patch (that is what that little patch of hair under the bottom lip is called, right?). After the initial "I like your facial hair" conversation, we got to talking about the armpit hair and epic stench that came along with it on this woman standing right in front of us. After about an hour of this nonsense, he got a little creepy. He started rubbing my shoulder, just casually mostly. That's when I started to notice he was a bit of a close talker. You know the type, don't you? The people that stand way too close while they talk? I was once told I am a close talker, but I must disagree! I found that comment to be quite insulting. Maybe I am. Who knows. Tell me if I'm too close while I'm talking, and then I'll know. Is it too close when your noses are touching? That's my favorite.
Anyways, the dude really liked to talk about how young I look, which is an entirely too obvious topic for me. Seriously stop it. I don't give a shit if I look like I'm 16. Get over it. Dude (which is his name for the purpose of this, seeing as I don't remember it) asked me if I was having fun. I replied with an unconvincing yes, to which he informed me there was something he wanted to show me. Now I am the kind of person that imagines the worst outcome of a situation before agreeing to it. As I was standing there, 4th Martini in hand (they were pretty tame), I imagined him taking me outside and whipping out his penis and telling me to touch it, which I don't, and he then proceeds to rub it against my dress as I walk back inside. He follows me, completely naked now, picks me up and throws me over the ledge. Seeing as we're only 2 stories up, I don't die, but my leg is broken and back hurts like a bitch. I try to get up and run, but my fucking leg is broken. My phone fell out of my pocket into the Jacuzzi (which is massive for an $80,000,000 home). Dude comes down stairs and pulls me by my hair into a damp cave covered in moss where he then turns into Gollum and eats my face off while making horse noises. My mother asks, "How did she die?"
This, of course, is not what happened.
I grabbed my friend Greg to check out whatever it is Dude wanted me to see. I made sure to watch for any change of facial expression to my decision to bring Greg along, but there was none. Dude still looked giddy and wide-eyed. I couldn't decide if this was comforting or even more creepy. He lead us to a door, which beheld stairs behind it. Walking down floor after floor (this is an $80,000,000 house, by the way. Did I mention that?). Finally we came to a large room that smelled like BBQ, piss, and laundry in one tantalizing perfume (in stores this June). This room had no windows, and an armored door featured in the middle of the far wall. Fuck. I'm dead. Gone. Bye bye.
Greg and I looked at each other and mouthed at the same time "WHAT THE FUCK?!" Dude opened the armored door, walked in, turned on the lights, and asked us to come forward. Greg was hesitant, but I figured why the hell not? We've come all this way, and I'm fucking curious about how sick this dude is! It could be like a fucked up TV show in real life! (which means I was scared shitless and my feet gained a life of their own as my head screamed WHAT THE FUCK). I looked around first, admiring the giant red ball in the corner, frayed rope hanging from the ceiling with a tire that doesn't seem to be for swinging, seeing as it was pretty shredded. 3 giant trash cans laying on the floor atop inconspicuous red stains was a great comfort to us.
We walked forward as Dude walked out
with
a
fucking
baby
LION!
"You can play with it!" took a whole new meaning in my fucked up imagination.
I could also comment on the fact that it's a new year, but guess what! Just because you're writing a /11 on your checks in stead of /10 doesn't mean that latina stripper you banged last weekend won't end up pregnant and knocking on your door next month. Speaking of which, Pablo, you're late on your child support and Katarina needs her cavities filled.
Anyway, in stead I choose to introduce the internets to my defining experience of 2010:
A warm winter night is not entirely rare in this bi-polar city of ours, and I begin my journey on one of these wonderous evenings. When I think of Broadway St. I picture strippers, dirty homeless men, dirty rich men, and basic shady 1970s pornography type environments; so when a friend asks me if I'd like to attend a soiree amongst this havoc of course I'd enthusiastically shake my head yes until I feel dizzy. Turns out he meant the other side of Broadway, so my bright yellow hot pants with pink sequins on the butt pockets, sparkley blue bra and see-through white top were just a little inappropriate for the high society birthday dinner at an $80,000,000 mansion. ($80,000,000!) Thankfully I had my Marry Poppins purse handy and pulled out just the right outfit for the occasion.
The house was monstrously gorgeous, so my boredom with the general attendees was satiated with tall ceilings, large garden, and a breathtaking view of the bay (thankfully it was a clear night). I had never had a martini before. Living in The Mission usually provides for some great beer bellies. After about 3 martinis I was finally ready to take my eyes off the inanimate objects around me and have myself a pointless conversation. My victim was a tall man with an epic mustache and soul patch (that is what that little patch of hair under the bottom lip is called, right?). After the initial "I like your facial hair" conversation, we got to talking about the armpit hair and epic stench that came along with it on this woman standing right in front of us. After about an hour of this nonsense, he got a little creepy. He started rubbing my shoulder, just casually mostly. That's when I started to notice he was a bit of a close talker. You know the type, don't you? The people that stand way too close while they talk? I was once told I am a close talker, but I must disagree! I found that comment to be quite insulting. Maybe I am. Who knows. Tell me if I'm too close while I'm talking, and then I'll know. Is it too close when your noses are touching? That's my favorite.
Anyways, the dude really liked to talk about how young I look, which is an entirely too obvious topic for me. Seriously stop it. I don't give a shit if I look like I'm 16. Get over it. Dude (which is his name for the purpose of this, seeing as I don't remember it) asked me if I was having fun. I replied with an unconvincing yes, to which he informed me there was something he wanted to show me. Now I am the kind of person that imagines the worst outcome of a situation before agreeing to it. As I was standing there, 4th Martini in hand (they were pretty tame), I imagined him taking me outside and whipping out his penis and telling me to touch it, which I don't, and he then proceeds to rub it against my dress as I walk back inside. He follows me, completely naked now, picks me up and throws me over the ledge. Seeing as we're only 2 stories up, I don't die, but my leg is broken and back hurts like a bitch. I try to get up and run, but my fucking leg is broken. My phone fell out of my pocket into the Jacuzzi (which is massive for an $80,000,000 home). Dude comes down stairs and pulls me by my hair into a damp cave covered in moss where he then turns into Gollum and eats my face off while making horse noises. My mother asks, "How did she die?"
This, of course, is not what happened.
I grabbed my friend Greg to check out whatever it is Dude wanted me to see. I made sure to watch for any change of facial expression to my decision to bring Greg along, but there was none. Dude still looked giddy and wide-eyed. I couldn't decide if this was comforting or even more creepy. He lead us to a door, which beheld stairs behind it. Walking down floor after floor (this is an $80,000,000 house, by the way. Did I mention that?). Finally we came to a large room that smelled like BBQ, piss, and laundry in one tantalizing perfume (in stores this June). This room had no windows, and an armored door featured in the middle of the far wall. Fuck. I'm dead. Gone. Bye bye.
Greg and I looked at each other and mouthed at the same time "WHAT THE FUCK?!" Dude opened the armored door, walked in, turned on the lights, and asked us to come forward. Greg was hesitant, but I figured why the hell not? We've come all this way, and I'm fucking curious about how sick this dude is! It could be like a fucked up TV show in real life! (which means I was scared shitless and my feet gained a life of their own as my head screamed WHAT THE FUCK). I looked around first, admiring the giant red ball in the corner, frayed rope hanging from the ceiling with a tire that doesn't seem to be for swinging, seeing as it was pretty shredded. 3 giant trash cans laying on the floor atop inconspicuous red stains was a great comfort to us.
We walked forward as Dude walked out
with
a
fucking
baby
LION!
"You can play with it!" took a whole new meaning in my fucked up imagination.
Sally McVey
Sally is modest and honest,
and fondest of August and May.
She lives with her mother and brother,
whom love her and hug her each day.
But whos to say a girl most jolly and gay
would never display dismay?
An expose* of Sally McVey may make you pray
for the old and grey US of A.
Though money was low it's funny to know
that Sally never lived slow.
She studied hard and kept good rank,
starred in plays, got a piggy bank.
It's time for college and she knows which one
will tickel her fancy and promise her fun!
But oh no! What's this? Financial aid has proven amis!
How can this be? She's got the grades, poise and plea,
maybe it was that C she got in Chemestry...
Loans, loans and more loans swallow her whole
now the bank owns her bones and holds her soul.
Graduation rolls around, a bittersweet noun
for the financial drown marks a frown amongst the applauding sound.
"Now what?" Sally asks her mother.
"Get out of this rut!" Her mother did utter.
A job interview provides a chance to start anew.
So she hopped on her bike, rode the turnpike
and bid her mother adieu.
A beautiful day to ride a bike,
a terrible day on the turnpike.
A car swerves a corner quite blind
and strikes poor Sally behind!
As she flies through the air, she says a quick prayer
as she feared her limbs would soon entwine.
The driver in fear keeps in gear
as he mutters a quick "I'm outta here!"
The car speeds faster far from disaster,
and on the horizon he did disappear.
Writhing in pain sally explained to the voice at 911
"I've been hit, and my knee is split
please hurry my arm's undone!"
The doctor was in and checked her skin for cuts, bruises and breaks
"My arm is missing, a leg dismissing, and my spine aches and quakes."
Sally recieved no assurance
as she remembered insurance
and the fact that she had none.
This would test her endurance
in the constant reoccurance
that matters of money had done.
Sally went home broken, outspoken, dismayed;
she left unspoken as a token of jade.
Deeper and deeper her rut had dug
Her mother would keep her till the reaper unplug.
Then one day, Sally McVey was on her way to pray,
untill a delay in her dismay brought her lips to say:
"Today is the day that my decay will allay and stray
for my fear is conquored and pain is doctored;
Today I find my way."
Through the bathroom door you may find
Sally's head from behind,
in the bathtub where she ley
a greusome and horrid display.
Sally McVey died today by way of cutting her veins;
in the dark she will stay, though her story remains.
and fondest of August and May.
She lives with her mother and brother,
whom love her and hug her each day.
But whos to say a girl most jolly and gay
would never display dismay?
An expose* of Sally McVey may make you pray
for the old and grey US of A.
Though money was low it's funny to know
that Sally never lived slow.
She studied hard and kept good rank,
starred in plays, got a piggy bank.
It's time for college and she knows which one
will tickel her fancy and promise her fun!
But oh no! What's this? Financial aid has proven amis!
How can this be? She's got the grades, poise and plea,
maybe it was that C she got in Chemestry...
Loans, loans and more loans swallow her whole
now the bank owns her bones and holds her soul.
Graduation rolls around, a bittersweet noun
for the financial drown marks a frown amongst the applauding sound.
"Now what?" Sally asks her mother.
"Get out of this rut!" Her mother did utter.
A job interview provides a chance to start anew.
So she hopped on her bike, rode the turnpike
and bid her mother adieu.
A beautiful day to ride a bike,
a terrible day on the turnpike.
A car swerves a corner quite blind
and strikes poor Sally behind!
As she flies through the air, she says a quick prayer
as she feared her limbs would soon entwine.
The driver in fear keeps in gear
as he mutters a quick "I'm outta here!"
The car speeds faster far from disaster,
and on the horizon he did disappear.
Writhing in pain sally explained to the voice at 911
"I've been hit, and my knee is split
please hurry my arm's undone!"
The doctor was in and checked her skin for cuts, bruises and breaks
"My arm is missing, a leg dismissing, and my spine aches and quakes."
Sally recieved no assurance
as she remembered insurance
and the fact that she had none.
This would test her endurance
in the constant reoccurance
that matters of money had done.
Sally went home broken, outspoken, dismayed;
she left unspoken as a token of jade.
Deeper and deeper her rut had dug
Her mother would keep her till the reaper unplug.
Then one day, Sally McVey was on her way to pray,
untill a delay in her dismay brought her lips to say:
"Today is the day that my decay will allay and stray
for my fear is conquored and pain is doctored;
Today I find my way."
Through the bathroom door you may find
Sally's head from behind,
in the bathtub where she ley
a greusome and horrid display.
Sally McVey died today by way of cutting her veins;
in the dark she will stay, though her story remains.
Ambiguous
*Originally posted 5/20/2010*
I got tagged in this chain thing for Facebook yesterday where you write 25 random things about yourself, and then tag 25 people to do the same. I thought it was so insightful that I decided to post it here as well. I learned a lot about myself!
1. Taxis used to scare the shit out of me, but now I'm just a little skeptical.
2. When there is any tension around me, like friends bickering, I get extremely stressed, but I don't show it
3. I'm very judgmental of first impressions, but usually change my mind
4. Whenever I walk uphill, I jump to see if this time I'll actually fly
5. Sometimes I laugh myself awake. This is the coolest feeling ever.
6. There are 2 pictures of extremely obese people on my phone, and will probably be more in time... [01/24/11 - I now have 5 pictures]
7. It's not hard to convince me to go somewhere at any time, depending on who you are, and if I'm free from school/work at that moment
8. I ask you what music I should download so I can get to know your tastes, and not just in music
9. Hats are my favorite accessory, though I can't find many I can pull off
10. Insecurity is the most unattractive attribute a person can have. Nobody wants to hear about it!
11. The beach is beautiful on cold, cloudy days (especially if it's not windy)
12. Seeing a movie in theaters is a waste of time and money unless it's imax and/or 3D
13. Aimlessly walking with friends sounds more attractive than watching TV
14. I'm only shy if I'm the outsider in a small group of close friends.
15. There is sarcasm in most of my friendly conversations
16. Friends have informed me that I animate my emotions with enthusiasm, especially when I'm happy
17. I dislike, and try to avoid sentences that begin with the word "I"
18. If you have no ambition or goals, even seemingly meaningless ones, then I'm probably not interested in talking to you
19. There is this one little spot on my left ribcage that effing hurts like a bitch when I breathe too hard or slouch too much
20. My mom used to have the exact birthmark that I have, in the same place, until I stole it whilst in the womb
21. My biggest goal in life is to be a mother; everything else is just preparation for that.
22. But before having a child, I want to travel Africa (especially northern) and South America.
23. The Weepies is my favorite band this month (yes, it changes every month). Tegan & Sara, Manchester Orchestra, Train, and Carolina Liar follow closely behind.
24. Some songs have a certain memory connected to them, and I get the same overall feeling listening to the song as I had in the memory. It's hard to explain, but I can smell and feel the memory. They're my most vivid, detailed memories. For example: "Shotgun Down the Avalanche" by Shawn Colvin. I was listening to this in my room in Lagunitas in (I think) 3rd or 4th grade, on a tape player. My mom was fighting loudly with somebody downstairs. It was a male voice, but I don't remember who it was. It was in the afternoon, the sun was going down; I remember all the dark yellow colors and how they played on the brown of the redwood in my room. I was sitting on the floor in front of my sliding glass doors and I couldn't feel my feet because they were so cold, so I was drawing on them. I just felt so peaceful and happy, despite the cold and tension in the house. At that moment, I realized that I am independent and can make myself happy. I feel this sensation every time I hear the song now and it gives me goose-bumps. All of those songs with memories attached will give me goose-bumps.
25. It's very difficult to make me angry, let alone show it.
I got tagged in this chain thing for Facebook yesterday where you write 25 random things about yourself, and then tag 25 people to do the same. I thought it was so insightful that I decided to post it here as well. I learned a lot about myself!
1. Taxis used to scare the shit out of me, but now I'm just a little skeptical.
2. When there is any tension around me, like friends bickering, I get extremely stressed, but I don't show it
3. I'm very judgmental of first impressions, but usually change my mind
4. Whenever I walk uphill, I jump to see if this time I'll actually fly
5. Sometimes I laugh myself awake. This is the coolest feeling ever.
6. There are 2 pictures of extremely obese people on my phone, and will probably be more in time... [01/24/11 - I now have 5 pictures]
7. It's not hard to convince me to go somewhere at any time, depending on who you are, and if I'm free from school/work at that moment
8. I ask you what music I should download so I can get to know your tastes, and not just in music
9. Hats are my favorite accessory, though I can't find many I can pull off
10. Insecurity is the most unattractive attribute a person can have. Nobody wants to hear about it!
11. The beach is beautiful on cold, cloudy days (especially if it's not windy)
12. Seeing a movie in theaters is a waste of time and money unless it's imax and/or 3D
13. Aimlessly walking with friends sounds more attractive than watching TV
14. I'm only shy if I'm the outsider in a small group of close friends.
15. There is sarcasm in most of my friendly conversations
16. Friends have informed me that I animate my emotions with enthusiasm, especially when I'm happy
17. I dislike, and try to avoid sentences that begin with the word "I"
18. If you have no ambition or goals, even seemingly meaningless ones, then I'm probably not interested in talking to you
19. There is this one little spot on my left ribcage that effing hurts like a bitch when I breathe too hard or slouch too much
20. My mom used to have the exact birthmark that I have, in the same place, until I stole it whilst in the womb
21. My biggest goal in life is to be a mother; everything else is just preparation for that.
22. But before having a child, I want to travel Africa (especially northern) and South America.
23. The Weepies is my favorite band this month (yes, it changes every month). Tegan & Sara, Manchester Orchestra, Train, and Carolina Liar follow closely behind.
24. Some songs have a certain memory connected to them, and I get the same overall feeling listening to the song as I had in the memory. It's hard to explain, but I can smell and feel the memory. They're my most vivid, detailed memories. For example: "Shotgun Down the Avalanche" by Shawn Colvin. I was listening to this in my room in Lagunitas in (I think) 3rd or 4th grade, on a tape player. My mom was fighting loudly with somebody downstairs. It was a male voice, but I don't remember who it was. It was in the afternoon, the sun was going down; I remember all the dark yellow colors and how they played on the brown of the redwood in my room. I was sitting on the floor in front of my sliding glass doors and I couldn't feel my feet because they were so cold, so I was drawing on them. I just felt so peaceful and happy, despite the cold and tension in the house. At that moment, I realized that I am independent and can make myself happy. I feel this sensation every time I hear the song now and it gives me goose-bumps. All of those songs with memories attached will give me goose-bumps.
25. It's very difficult to make me angry, let alone show it.
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